My grandfather, Angel, passed away very early Saturday morning. My mom called me at work on Friday afternoon to tell me he was very sick and that they weren't sure how long he was going to be able to hold on for... I drove down to LA and was able to get there in time to spend a few hours with him. He could hardly speak, struggling to take a full breath with the assistance of an oxygen machine, but with effort he smiled at me and said that he loved me. I could tell he was happy to be surrounded by family and I treasured the opportunity to rub his swollen feet in an effort to bring some comfort to a man who was once so tall and strong.
He passed away at 1:43am and I believe it really meant something to her when I told my mom that her dad had held on long enough to send us all a message-- 143 is, afterall, text-message shorthand for "I Love You". I think we all understand that the swiftness with which he left us that night was a blessing. A long-time smoker who quit before I was old enough to even remember it, Bapa Angel had been suffering for a couple of years now with respiratory issues. It killed my mother that my sister and I continued to smoke cigarettes even after his first stay in the hospital.
It felt really good, not only to be able to spend that last evening with him, but to be able to do so knowing that I haven't had a cigarette in almost one week and I don't plan on picking the habit back up. To put one of those death-sticks in my mouth after seeing the havoc they wreaked on that wonderful man wouldn't just be stupid; it would be downright idiotic.
I already miss him so much. I can feel that he's left this Earth-- there seems to be a big, gaping hole torn into the physical Universe. At the same time, I can also sense his presence. Almost closer to me than he felt when he was still alive. I feel pangs of guilt as though I didn't call enough these last few months or visit enough in the recent years. I don't think he would want me to feel like that, though. I hope, and can only choose to believe for my peace of mind and heart, that he knows how very much I love him.
I know, without a doubt, that he would want me to continue on this journey I've decide to take. I am still smoke-free and feeling good about it. I was supposed to start my green smoothie fast yesterday morning but for obvious reasons couldn't get to the grocery store. As if they could have provided me with any comfort in the first place. It was good to sit around my grandparent's kitchen table, eating sandwiches and swigging soda from the can with my family. It was something my grandmother would never usually allow-- this is woman who seems to subsist on whole grains, grapefruit, and egg whites. I think we all needed the comfort of some high fructose corn syrup and for some very strange reason, it warmed my heart to see the whole lot of us dipping into the same mustard jar and eating off of paper plates.
That said, I know it would mean a lot to Angel if we would all take outstanding care of ourselves, so that we might live long, healthy lives. He loved his wife, children, and grandchildren above all else and I know he wants us to be around to take care of each other. I want to be around to do that, and I want the energy to be a really actively loving member of our family which just isn't gonna happen unless I make the changes I set out to make.
So... to Whole Foods we go. My shopping list for my green smoothies is as follows:
-dark, leafy greens (kale, spinach, sorrell--yum, collards, mint, etc.)
-apples
-pears
-kiwis
-lemons
-bananas
-ginger
-some sort of algae supplement; maybe Spirulina-- I'll have to see what's affordable :)
I'm actually kinda starving right now-- it's already 12:30 and I haven't eaten yet today. Today I'll grab some lunch at the Whole Foods salad bar and I'll be writing out a plan for the month. I'm not sure how intense I'll be making the diet since as a college student with two jobs and plenty of social obligations, it's just not practical to eat every single meal at home, alone, and by the book.
My goal is to be eating as many whole, raw foods as possible-- keeping my diet at about 75% plant-based and hypo-allergenic (no gluten, soy, dairy, poultry, or red meat). Also still abstaining from alcohol, and taking a break from my beloved ganja. Today is my seventh day without booze or cigarettes and my fifth day without smoking weed. Regardless of where I go from here, even that is a tiny triumph for me and I'm pretty stoked about it.
Alright, I'm off... Love you, Bapa!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
When Second Nature's Outta the Question...
Last night was the first night I tried to fall asleep without the assistance of good ol' Maria Juanita... emphasis on the tried since I probably got about an hour total of zzz's. I tossed... I turned... I reminded myself why I'm even doing this in the first place. I did notice that even with the lack of quality shut-eye, I hopped right out of bed this morning. None of that groggy, hit-by-a-train feeling I usually wake up with every morning... Maybe I really am a morning person and I just never noticed!
It's day four without a cigarette and I hardly have any cravings for one. I'm not sure if it's because i have yet to be around any smokers. I'll probably want one as soon as I smell some second-hand smoke. Disgusting, I know... but true. I'm not really dying to smoke a bowl either; then again, it's only day two! What's weird about the weed is how natural it's become to me to walk in the door and load one up. Driving home from work today, I thought to myself, "Gonna head home, smoke up, maybe do some laundry before I gotta go to the porno shop." And then I realized, "Oh, sheiza. I'm not doing that stuff for awhile." Seems like a lot of the time I light up because it's a habit, not because I'm actually looking for a head-change.
That said, I'm not quitting for good. That would just be silly. I love weed. I love it so much that I want to put in the work necessary to improve our relationship. Like a best friend or a lover, I don't want to take it for granted. "Wanna dress it up in my love! All ova! All ova!" Yadidamean? I really believe that herb is a sacred and wonderful thing and that getting stoned can be a truly transcendent experience. But when your tolerance is sky-high and you're getting baked just because you can-- where's the love? Where's the appreciation?
I'll probably be getting stoned in a couple of weeks when my old roomie comes back to town for a visit but don't intend on picking up where I left off. Even with a single smoke-free day under my belt, I feel like I have so much more energy and focus than usual. I didn't feel anxious to get out of work early so I could come home and "medicate". Instead, I stuck around a couple extra hours and took care of some of next week's stuff ahead of time.
And, most importantly, I don't have to fight against the munchies to figure out meals. I woke up, hit Whole Foods for an iced tea and did some serious damage at their wicked awesome salad bar. (For breakfast... weird, but delicious.) I'm about to roll up some salmon and brown rice sushi to tide me over until work tonight, where I will most likely avoid doing anything listed in my job duties and instead spend some more time planning out the next month. One more day of solid food, then Saturday and Sunday are green-smoothie-days. Monday, we kick off a hypo-allergenic diet of mostly brown rice, vegetables, and fish. Then, after a week or so I'll start testing different foods each meal to see what happens. Kinda excited for that part even though I have a sinking feeling that my favorite stuff (cheese, bread, and beer) is gonna be the stuff I'll end up having to cut out.
It's day four without a cigarette and I hardly have any cravings for one. I'm not sure if it's because i have yet to be around any smokers. I'll probably want one as soon as I smell some second-hand smoke. Disgusting, I know... but true. I'm not really dying to smoke a bowl either; then again, it's only day two! What's weird about the weed is how natural it's become to me to walk in the door and load one up. Driving home from work today, I thought to myself, "Gonna head home, smoke up, maybe do some laundry before I gotta go to the porno shop." And then I realized, "Oh, sheiza. I'm not doing that stuff for awhile." Seems like a lot of the time I light up because it's a habit, not because I'm actually looking for a head-change.
That said, I'm not quitting for good. That would just be silly. I love weed. I love it so much that I want to put in the work necessary to improve our relationship. Like a best friend or a lover, I don't want to take it for granted. "Wanna dress it up in my love! All ova! All ova!" Yadidamean? I really believe that herb is a sacred and wonderful thing and that getting stoned can be a truly transcendent experience. But when your tolerance is sky-high and you're getting baked just because you can-- where's the love? Where's the appreciation?
I'll probably be getting stoned in a couple of weeks when my old roomie comes back to town for a visit but don't intend on picking up where I left off. Even with a single smoke-free day under my belt, I feel like I have so much more energy and focus than usual. I didn't feel anxious to get out of work early so I could come home and "medicate". Instead, I stuck around a couple extra hours and took care of some of next week's stuff ahead of time.
And, most importantly, I don't have to fight against the munchies to figure out meals. I woke up, hit Whole Foods for an iced tea and did some serious damage at their wicked awesome salad bar. (For breakfast... weird, but delicious.) I'm about to roll up some salmon and brown rice sushi to tide me over until work tonight, where I will most likely avoid doing anything listed in my job duties and instead spend some more time planning out the next month. One more day of solid food, then Saturday and Sunday are green-smoothie-days. Monday, we kick off a hypo-allergenic diet of mostly brown rice, vegetables, and fish. Then, after a week or so I'll start testing different foods each meal to see what happens. Kinda excited for that part even though I have a sinking feeling that my favorite stuff (cheese, bread, and beer) is gonna be the stuff I'll end up having to cut out.
Turn and Face the Strange... Ch-ch-ch-chaaaaaanges.
Well, shit. Where to start? I'm not telling you anything new when I say "we all take things for granted." Sometimes it seems like the things we love the most are the things we tend to overlook-- we surround ourselves in these things with frequency and with vigor because they're the things that make us feel good and we've grown so accustomed to doing it that we do it without giving it a second thought. Me? I'm a feel-good junkie. That about sums it up... if it feels great, I want more and not just a little more but a LOT more. Food, sex, booze, drugs... gimme, gimme!
Which is exactly why the next month is gonna be the toughest one I've seen in a real long time. I've decided it's time for a change. Let me describe, quickly, for you a typical day in my life.
I usually wake up after the clock strikes noon, load up the bong, and head to either school or work. I don't wake up early enough to make breakfast so that usually consists of smoking a few cigarettes and maybe grabbing some coffee on my way. By the time I get out of class or home from work, it's six or seven o'clock at night-- maybe later, and I probably still haven't eaten anything. If I don't have to work my second job, one of two things will happen. I might decide to stay home for some "me" time which consists of smoking an impossible amount of weed and finally getting around to making that meal (which will undoubtedly be humongous and of the gnarly-bad-for-you variety to make up for not eating all day). The second option is that I'll be heading downtown, in which case I'll be more worried about hopping in the shower and getting ready than eating which means I'll be drinking on an empty stomach, grabbing a piece of pizza from the bar, and waking up with a hangover that will undoubtedly make me late for school and/or work the following day. It's a vicious fuckin' cycle, man.
I think you can see why 1) my current lifestyle is in need of a serious re-vamping and why 2) if Detective John Kimble were here, he would scream at me, "YOU LACK DISCIPLINEEEEEE!" (If you don't know what that means, get out of my life and don't come back until you've seen Kindergarten Cop.)
That kinda routine would wreak havoc on anybody, but for me to keep living like this would be truly insane. Did I mention that before those "breakfast" cigarettes, I have to take a puff of my inhaler because I have asthma? Or that when I drink, it's usually upwards of four to five beers when I have reason to suspect that I'm actually allergic to the gluten that's in barley? Stupid freakin' idiot, party of one.
I've always been partial to the "live fast, die young" mentality... What use is a life without excess? But the fact of the matter, which is suddenly glaringly obvious, is that something's gotta give. I need to make some serious changes... Does it mean I'm giving up the good stuff? Fuck no! (Okay, well... some of it, yeah) It just means I'm making some better decisions about the stuff that really matters so I can still enjoy the rest of my vices with reduced guilt.
So here's the plan.
On Monday I'm starting an "elimination diet". It's not a diet in the traditional sense, as in it's not for weight loss. It's actually a way to test yourself for food allergies and intolerance and it takes at least a month to complete. This is how it works: you start off with a green-smoothie fast for two days. Then you begin on a hypo-allergenic diet (there are some foods that people just don't show allergies to-- rice, most vegetables, and lamb are a few examples) for the first week and after you've detoxed a bit, you slowly add in different foods as a way to "test" them. Basically, you eat a certain food (say, strawberries) twice a day, monitor your pulse at 30 and 60 minutes after eating, write down any weird reactions you might have, then move onto the next one.
Doing so requires me to give up caffeine, alcohol, and smoking (anything) for as long as I'm on it. The caffeine and smoking can affect your blood pressure so you can't really be accurate when you're testing the different foods. I know it all sounds really crazy but I just have this gnarly hunch that I'm allergic to a lot of the stuff I eat on a regular basis. They say the stuff you crave the most is the stuff you're most allergic to. Go figure. Fuck you, biology.
The ultimate goal here, besides understanding how food affects my body individually, is to feel awesome. Food allergies contribute to all kinds of shit, including: weight gain, headache, skin problems, depression, fatigue... all kinds of horrid stuff.
I'm looking to make a permanent move towards a more whole foods diet-- cutting out the processed shit that so many people have become so dependent on to provide nourishment because they feel like they don't have the time, money, or know-how to eat right. We're taking it back to the cave men days, ya know? It's about getting back to our roots and giving the finger to ingredients we can't pronounce.
And hey, skinnier thighs ain't gonna kill me, either.
So come along for the ride! Challenge your own bad habits, read about me kicking mine, or just start pooling bets on how long it'll be before I'm high-tailing it back to In-N-Out with a death-stick clenched between my teeth.
Which is exactly why the next month is gonna be the toughest one I've seen in a real long time. I've decided it's time for a change. Let me describe, quickly, for you a typical day in my life.
I usually wake up after the clock strikes noon, load up the bong, and head to either school or work. I don't wake up early enough to make breakfast so that usually consists of smoking a few cigarettes and maybe grabbing some coffee on my way. By the time I get out of class or home from work, it's six or seven o'clock at night-- maybe later, and I probably still haven't eaten anything. If I don't have to work my second job, one of two things will happen. I might decide to stay home for some "me" time which consists of smoking an impossible amount of weed and finally getting around to making that meal (which will undoubtedly be humongous and of the gnarly-bad-for-you variety to make up for not eating all day). The second option is that I'll be heading downtown, in which case I'll be more worried about hopping in the shower and getting ready than eating which means I'll be drinking on an empty stomach, grabbing a piece of pizza from the bar, and waking up with a hangover that will undoubtedly make me late for school and/or work the following day. It's a vicious fuckin' cycle, man.
I think you can see why 1) my current lifestyle is in need of a serious re-vamping and why 2) if Detective John Kimble were here, he would scream at me, "YOU LACK DISCIPLINEEEEEE!" (If you don't know what that means, get out of my life and don't come back until you've seen Kindergarten Cop.)
That kinda routine would wreak havoc on anybody, but for me to keep living like this would be truly insane. Did I mention that before those "breakfast" cigarettes, I have to take a puff of my inhaler because I have asthma? Or that when I drink, it's usually upwards of four to five beers when I have reason to suspect that I'm actually allergic to the gluten that's in barley? Stupid freakin' idiot, party of one.
I've always been partial to the "live fast, die young" mentality... What use is a life without excess? But the fact of the matter, which is suddenly glaringly obvious, is that something's gotta give. I need to make some serious changes... Does it mean I'm giving up the good stuff? Fuck no! (Okay, well... some of it, yeah) It just means I'm making some better decisions about the stuff that really matters so I can still enjoy the rest of my vices with reduced guilt.
So here's the plan.
On Monday I'm starting an "elimination diet". It's not a diet in the traditional sense, as in it's not for weight loss. It's actually a way to test yourself for food allergies and intolerance and it takes at least a month to complete. This is how it works: you start off with a green-smoothie fast for two days. Then you begin on a hypo-allergenic diet (there are some foods that people just don't show allergies to-- rice, most vegetables, and lamb are a few examples) for the first week and after you've detoxed a bit, you slowly add in different foods as a way to "test" them. Basically, you eat a certain food (say, strawberries) twice a day, monitor your pulse at 30 and 60 minutes after eating, write down any weird reactions you might have, then move onto the next one.
Doing so requires me to give up caffeine, alcohol, and smoking (anything) for as long as I'm on it. The caffeine and smoking can affect your blood pressure so you can't really be accurate when you're testing the different foods. I know it all sounds really crazy but I just have this gnarly hunch that I'm allergic to a lot of the stuff I eat on a regular basis. They say the stuff you crave the most is the stuff you're most allergic to. Go figure. Fuck you, biology.
The ultimate goal here, besides understanding how food affects my body individually, is to feel awesome. Food allergies contribute to all kinds of shit, including: weight gain, headache, skin problems, depression, fatigue... all kinds of horrid stuff.
I'm looking to make a permanent move towards a more whole foods diet-- cutting out the processed shit that so many people have become so dependent on to provide nourishment because they feel like they don't have the time, money, or know-how to eat right. We're taking it back to the cave men days, ya know? It's about getting back to our roots and giving the finger to ingredients we can't pronounce.
And hey, skinnier thighs ain't gonna kill me, either.
So come along for the ride! Challenge your own bad habits, read about me kicking mine, or just start pooling bets on how long it'll be before I'm high-tailing it back to In-N-Out with a death-stick clenched between my teeth.
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